By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere!
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle!
Remember old folks are worth a fortune - with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomachs.
You can stay young forever if you live modestly, get lots of sleep, work hard, pray daily, and lie about your age.
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. A young man, about to get married, decided to ask the old couple the secret of their success. Said the elderly man, "Young man, in my house I make all of the big decisions and leave all the trivial ones to my wife".
After a meaningful pause, he continued, "I decide what is to be done to reform Welfare, how to stop the war in the Balkans, what is wrong with NASA and how to set it right etc. She decides the trivia like, where we're going to live, what I am going to wear to work, how much money I get to spend,..."
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to turn the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," sand the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," sand the wife, "I'd also like some straberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"Ok, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem--a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice crea, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "I knew you wouldn't get it right!! Where's the toast??"
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. ...............................
The new Minister was talking to the oldest inhabitant. "I am 97 years old sir and I haven't an enemy in the world." said the aged one. "That is a beautiful thought." said the Clergyman approvingly. "Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."
It was accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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